The Ties That Bind
by Seras0Victoria
Summary: Some thoughts and insights between our clueless, but obviously in love, duo. Hopefully delve more into Inara's past and why she left Sihnon in the first place. Takes place directly after the last scene between Mal and Inara in the BDM.
1. Chapter 1

THE TIE THAT BINDS

PART 1

Takes place right after the Big Damn Movie. Just some fleshing out of thoughts and memories.

Firely and the characters therein belong to Joss Whedon and we wouldn't want it any other way.

* * *

><p>"I don't know," she'd said. "I don't know."<p>

As he lay in his bunk, her words were looping, almost audibly, in his ears. And in his mind, that smile of hers...

"Good answer," he had replied to her. And then she smiled…that slow, unsure, radiant smile. She seemed child-like then, even mischievous, in the confrontation of the dilemma that faced her once again: to stay or to go. When last she was faced with this dilemma, she chose under no uncertain terms to leave Serenity, to the leave the crew, and to leave him.

Captain Malcolm Reynolds lay facing up in his bunk, eyes wide open; so unlike the usual facedown, prone position his body normally took from flinging himself onto his bed, arm- hanging-off-the-side position because of both carelessness and exhaustion. But now, his mind was whirring with activity and he couldn't be bothered to sleep, even though he'd left the helm of his beloved ship at the more than capable hands of River Tam.

His thoughts returned to the day she told him she was leaving. It was a strange and strained decision; at least it seemed to him. He didn't understand why she came to such an abrupt conclusion but there was no mistake in the resolve that shone in Inara's eyes as they stood on the ship's walkway. She talked of family, being tied to people, and getting to a point where you can't tear yourself away or even wanting to. He could only surmise that she was averse to this. At the time, all he could do was recoil at her declaration and steel himself for her departure. And once she left, he did not see the point of speculating as to why. She was gone and there was nothing to be reasoned. But now, though he never liked to return to that moment she uttered the words, "I'm leaving," he thought about the circumstances that led up to it.

It certainly was an emotional time. Inara's meeting with Nandi was fraught with memories of what once was and could have been. According to Nandi, Inara was next in line as high priestess of the House and she was ambitious in vying for it. Then, on the morning of the big damn fight, he awkwardly ran into Inara just as he was leaving Nandi's room, and the warmth of her bed. He thought he was grateful for Inara playing it off as she did but it never sat right with him. It still didn't. During the gun fight, Inara was with Simon helping Pedaline birth her baby under severe duress. And finally, tragically, Inara witnessed Nandi die at the hands of that ripe bastard, Ranse Burgess. In his mind, there weren't many women, or men, as strong and bright as Nandi. Her loss was felt deeply within him so he could only imagine how Inara must have felt having known Nandi longer and more fully than he ever had a chance to. But what was it about Nandi and her "family" that unsettled Inara so much that she had to leave? He couldn't wrap his brain around it.

This made Malcolm think even further back; about why Inara left the Companion House in the first place. He recalled Nandi mentioning that Inara left quickly and in the midst of controversy, it seemed to her. Why leave when there was so much going for her? He realized he never probed about Inara's past. Most of it didn't concern him anyway. When she first boarded Serenity as a prospective renter, he got the sense she was running from something even then. But she quickly squelched the notion by asserting her good standing with the Alliance as well as her pro-Alliance stance. After hearing that, he didn't need or want to hear anymore. All he needed was to know that she would stay on, pay rent, and bring a little respectability to their operation. Since that day, whenever he saw Inara, all he could think of was her in the here and now and how her presence alone would simultaneously strengthen and disarm him.

But he soon realized, as he lay there, that Inara remained much of an enigma. She was friendly to everyone, with the exception of Jayne, as was the usual way of the world. The more he thought about it, the more it seemed that Inara didn't really live with them as much as she lived among them. There was no doubt of her care for Kaylee, her concern for River and Simon, her friendship with Book, Wash, and Zoe, and her barely hidden contempt for Jayne. But who was she to him? They spoke comfortably enough in casual settings but whenever he was near her, she bristled or shied away from his gaze, even from his touch. She built a wall faster than his father's ranch hands could fence up the pastures back home. This spoke more of who he was to her, apparently. He didn't like where these thoughts were going and quickly brushed them under mat. More confidently, he knew who she was to him. She was a distraction…of the best sort. He had told her this, though not in so many words, especially those last few words: She fogged things up, she spun him about, yes, and he couldn't imagine anyone else more graceful and stubborn to take his head out of his own arse. After the war, he was rudderless. He went where the wind blew. But she quickly became his compass and conscious…something he convinced himself he had lost in the bloody, charred mess of the Valley.

When Inara had left, he felt the coldness creep back in. Kaylee's cheerfulness, Zoe's honesty, and Book's earnestness were each a light to his path but he missed the piercing beacon that was Inara. And now she was back. He allowed himself to close his eyes for a few moments and relax a little for the first time in days. That smile played across the back of his mind once again and he knew that this time would be different. This time he would not rest on his haunches and just let things happen without having a say.

To be continued….


	2. Chapter 2

THE TIE THAT BINDS

PART 2

Takes place right after the Big Damn Movie. Just some fleshing out of thoughts and memories.

Firely and the characters therein belong to Joss Whedon and we wouldn't want it any other way.

* * *

><p>"Good answer," he'd said. "Good answer."<p>

And now, kneeling and sorting through the trunk she had "accidentally" left on her former shuttle, Inara's lips curved into a smile as familiar as the smell of incense that still lingered in the sundries she was unfolding.

"I don't know," she had replied to him as she expressed her uncertainty in leaving Serenity again. It was the same smile that so often came unbidden whenever she played back some favorite memories of Malcolm Reynolds: His look of pure satisfaction as he stood there unmindful of his bare nakedness in the desert after throwing a sizable wrench in Saffron's latest plans, dancing at the ball and clumsily bumping into each other…well him into her to be accurate, his detailed and witty storytelling at the dinner table amongst the crew, and the way he was so gentle and protective of Kaylee…

Still lost in memories, Inara rocked back on her heels and let her hands slide out of the trunk where they came to rest on the lip of it. Gentle and protective. She had definitely seen that side of Mal and those were the impressions she wanted to cling to. But her sentiments were true when she spoke of not knowing who she was dealing with when it came to him because she had seen too many versions to be sure. Gentle and protective, certainly, but also volatile and cold-blooded. Her memories were jolted back to Haven, where Mal shot the unarmed Alliance officer, even as he raised his arms in surrender. Mal didn't say a word. He just pointed and fired without as much as a tick. He had the look of a killer then; unblinking, unfeeling, unforgiving. She was afraid of him at that moment. There wasn't a gentle bone to be found in his body then.

At any given moment, all these things made up the person of Malcolm Reynolds...and she was impassioned by them. She tried to recognize that he was on the other end of the spectrum from her not only in upbringing, but in personality. She was always poised, controlled, and aware of her surroundings as well as the people in them, learning long ago how to master her impulses. Malcolm often rushed in without forethought, without consideration, and mostly acted on gut instinct. She also admitted to herself this very notion was what kept her from leaving Serenity. That is, until recently. Having been born and raised into her milieu where her place in society was stately and unquestioned, she was fascinated by how Malcolm managed to work his way over, around, and in between such establishments. He didn't belong anywhere and neither did he desire to. He just wanted to be left alone to keep flying.

Malcolm had referred to it as "her world" the time he felt he had to step in on behalf of her honor. Poor Atherton. He walked away from that duel with more than his ego bruised. Once Malcolm had him on the ground, he couldn't help but poke and prod Atherton with his sword a few more times for good measure. Atherton's face was all hateful and bilious but Inara rather enjoyed Malcolm exemplifying what a great man should be, or should not be, as the case may be. Perhaps they weren't that different after all, she thought with sudden levity. She enjoyed her time on Persephone but whatever she experienced there; it was almost as if she were a spectator to her own life. The journey back into "her world" was temporary, even though the idea was amusing and flattering. She had left all that behind over a year ago, her life on the central planets- the amenities of high society and her responsibilities as guild high priestess. They were just stowed memories now. Memories she worked hard to keep buried.

But memories, especially bad ones, had a tendency to rear their ugly heads at the most inopportune times. This time was no different. As Inara allowed herself to enjoy her brief consideration of Malcolm, images from her days on Sihnon assaulted her. At first they were images of beauty and peace. The Companion House's lush landscape, ornate halls, and lavish offerings filled her senses. She could almost smell the spiced incense that seemed to be favored by most of the girls there. Her ascent to high priestess was one that came naturally and the House was pleased with her leadership…for her short tenure anyway. The images that followed then were filled with anger, blood, and pain. And then she left Sihnon. She had to. Just as she had left Serenity.

But here she was, back onboard her beloved shuttle. She couldn't imagine going back to the House on Sihnon after all that had transpired there. But she decided to come back to Serenity, even though she could foresee herself having to confront the same terrible heartache. She was doing well at the training house, was she not? She was happy there. But she couldn't deny a dull, emptiness that still pervaded as she retreated to her quarters after a day of teaching. That emptiness suddenly went away as soon as she saw Serenity and her crew again. And, being honest with herself, she admitted that it happened even before then…when Malcolm appeared on the cortex during her call for "help".

He looked disheveled and awkward but no more awkward than how she had felt during the call. He had said she looked fine and she had thanked him but, in truth, she was never comfortable with compliments from him. Maybe it was because they were few and far between or maybe it was something else. She has heard her share of compliments and flattery from clients, students, and peers and she always accepted them gracefully. But when they came from Mal, she was always unnerved. She didn't question his sincerity, but rather whether she believed the compliments herself. With all of her training and skill, how did this one man dismantle who she was with one look or touch? There was so much more she needed to learn about him, about herself through him, more than any of the fanciest, most renowned schools could teach her. She needed to ask some hard questions…and this time, get answers.


End file.
